Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Signs of the coming apocalypse and how to make it through alive

Every 15 minutes or so, someone claims that the world is going to end. There are various theories on how the world is going to end. It has been scientifically** proven that the world will end in one of the following ways:

- drastic, incredibly fast climate change that will freeze/burn/drown everything on the planet
- an incredibly virulent virus that will kill everything on the planet
- the Mayans will come to reset their calendar, killing everyone on the planet
- giant zombie Jesus will come and gather up all the good Christians, and stomp everyone else to death (I'm a little hazy on what the rapture actually is; I think this is probably right)
- Dinosaurs will come back from extinction and take over the world
- Zombie dinosaurs will come back from the dead and eat everyone's brains
- zombies (the human variety) will take over the world

(**Note: may not have actually been scientifically proven)

There have been signs of the coming apocalypse for years. Things that cannot be explained any other way. The popularity of Justin Bieber. Reality TV. People writing "LOL" and "OMG" on the internet. No one knowing how to properly use a comma, grammar, punctuation...

But here's something more than a little disturbing. Something that clearly means the end is nigh. Did you know that people are getting high by snorting bath salts??? No, seriously. Take a look at this article, on why you should never, ever, ever do that.

I know what you'r thinking. The world is clearly ending. How can we few, we intelligent, literate few, survive the annihilation of the human race? Don't worry, Dear Reader. I can help provide you with some useful tips on how to make it through the apocalypse.

To be clear, I'm about 99% sure that the world will end with a zombie attack (margin of error, +/-1.0%).

Now that we know what we're in for, surviving will be simple:

  1. Make sure you have a decent shotgun, and a butt-load of ammunition (a butt-load is a unit of measurement, meaning a seriously large amount; more than a shit load, less than an ass load)
  2. Pick an apocalypse buddy. This person will help you in many ways (watching for zombies while you sleep, killing you if you get bit). **expert tip: make sure you can run faster than your apocalypse buddy, in case the zombies are the fast-moving variety
  3. Get supplies during the day. Zombies are easier to see during the day. 
  4. Find a safe place to stay. Make sure your new home is zombie proof. Ideally, move here:

In the event of a zombie attack, the house becomes an impenetrable fortress of awesomeness:

Don't forget: zombies are incredibly dumb, but incredibly persistent. Shoot for the head, never let them bite you, and wear practical shoes.

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