Thursday, 31 May 2012

Amazing gift ideas for the random person in your life

Today is the last day of May. So, naturally, it's time to start thinking about Christmas shopping! I know you're all wondering what to get me this year, something that I would really, really like to see under the tree. Or maybe you're not wondering that at all. Maybe you have no intention of even buying me a gift. How inconsiderate of you.

For your convenience, I have compiled some wonderfully random gift ideas. You can use them to shop for the moderately insane person or people in your life.

Topping my list this year is the Super Dictionary:
This is the most awesome dictionary ever published. Ever. For instance, if you were wondering how to correctly use the word "skin" in a sentence, use this book:

And what if you wanted to know the difference between "paint" and "painting"?

You can buy** this wonderful dictionary through sellers on Amazon, where the starting price is $230. It's also available on ebay. 
(**buy this for me)

Next on my list is the heartwarming story of a boy and his father. Of course, I'm referring to Darth Vader and Son. This book is a steal at $14.95, and tells the story of a young Luke and his father.
Buy it before George Lucas turns it into a movie and ruins the franchise even more.

Finally, while we're looking at something aimed at the random children in your life, there are these wonderful onesies:

The red Star Trek onesie should be reserved for "expendable" babies. They (the onesies) range from $15.99 to $18.99 and can be found on the Think Geek website.

Happy shopping!

The Coming Apocalypse: Update

A few days ago I wrote about the end of the world. There have been a few things in the news lately that make me think that the end will be coming even sooner than expected. Horrific, terrifying things. Things that cannot be explained.

I am talking, of course, about Justin Bieber's concert in Norway. According to TMZ (an incredibly reliable source of information), 49 girls were injured with 14 taken for emergency care. Injured because they were so excited to go see Justin Bieber perform. It boggles the mind.

If you google "Justin Bieber Norway", you get the following results:

The last one is my favourite. Really? A "state of emergency"? Isn't that usually reserved for storm damage or earthquakes or tsunamis? 

The video below shows the seriousness of the situation. 

According to the girl in the video, everything he does is good for everyone, and his music is amazing. Truly, he is like a god.

So maybe I should take it back. Maybe this isn't a sign of the apocalypse. Maybe Bieber has been sent to protect us from the end of days. Maybe we should all embrace our inner teenager and go running down the street, screaming after Justin Bieber's car.

Or maybe it's been a long week and I need a nap.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Immortal Celebrities: Post #3, Jack Black is at least 300 years old

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you'll remember my earlier posts about immortal celebrities (John Travolta, Keanu Reeves, and Nicholas Cage). I'm happy to announce another immortal celebrity. Jack Black.

I'll be honest with you, Dear Reader: I've never been a fan of Mr. Black's work. True, I enjoy him in Kung Fu Panda. But I didn't like School of Rock, and I'd rather be hit repeatedly with a baseball bat than watch Gulliver's Travels.

But how about his work in the 1770s? Not familiar with this? Hmmm?

Here's Jack Black today:

 And here he is back in the 1770s:

Back then he went by the name Paul Revere. Yeah, that Paul Revere. As in "the Redcoats are coming!".

What proof do I have, you ask, that he really was Paul Revere? Well, first look at those two pictures. And second, what proof do you have that he wasn't? I mean, you weren't there. And have you ever seen the two of them together? Hmm??? So there. You can't say that he's not Paul Revere (**side note: this is the same logic I use to prove that I'm Batman).

Until next time, Dear Reader. And sleep soundly in your beds tonight, knowing that Jack Black is out there, protecting the US from the British.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Signs of the coming apocalypse and how to make it through alive

Every 15 minutes or so, someone claims that the world is going to end. There are various theories on how the world is going to end. It has been scientifically** proven that the world will end in one of the following ways:

- drastic, incredibly fast climate change that will freeze/burn/drown everything on the planet
- an incredibly virulent virus that will kill everything on the planet
- the Mayans will come to reset their calendar, killing everyone on the planet
- giant zombie Jesus will come and gather up all the good Christians, and stomp everyone else to death (I'm a little hazy on what the rapture actually is; I think this is probably right)
- Dinosaurs will come back from extinction and take over the world
- Zombie dinosaurs will come back from the dead and eat everyone's brains
- zombies (the human variety) will take over the world

(**Note: may not have actually been scientifically proven)

There have been signs of the coming apocalypse for years. Things that cannot be explained any other way. The popularity of Justin Bieber. Reality TV. People writing "LOL" and "OMG" on the internet. No one knowing how to properly use a comma, grammar, punctuation...

But here's something more than a little disturbing. Something that clearly means the end is nigh. Did you know that people are getting high by snorting bath salts??? No, seriously. Take a look at this article, on why you should never, ever, ever do that.

I know what you'r thinking. The world is clearly ending. How can we few, we intelligent, literate few, survive the annihilation of the human race? Don't worry, Dear Reader. I can help provide you with some useful tips on how to make it through the apocalypse.

To be clear, I'm about 99% sure that the world will end with a zombie attack (margin of error, +/-1.0%).

Now that we know what we're in for, surviving will be simple:

  1. Make sure you have a decent shotgun, and a butt-load of ammunition (a butt-load is a unit of measurement, meaning a seriously large amount; more than a shit load, less than an ass load)
  2. Pick an apocalypse buddy. This person will help you in many ways (watching for zombies while you sleep, killing you if you get bit). **expert tip: make sure you can run faster than your apocalypse buddy, in case the zombies are the fast-moving variety
  3. Get supplies during the day. Zombies are easier to see during the day. 
  4. Find a safe place to stay. Make sure your new home is zombie proof. Ideally, move here:

In the event of a zombie attack, the house becomes an impenetrable fortress of awesomeness:

Don't forget: zombies are incredibly dumb, but incredibly persistent. Shoot for the head, never let them bite you, and wear practical shoes.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

The Lost LM Montgomery book: How I feel betrayed by society for not knowing of its existence

I have been, and always will be, a fan of LM Montgomery. In 1981 my grandparents gave me my first copy of "Anne of Green Gables". I say "first copy" because I read it to pieces (the last time I read that copy it was more tape than book). When I was 8 my parents took my brother and me on a summer vacation to PEI, including a visit to Green Gables and the Charlottetown Festival. I bought the other 7 Anne books that summer.

I can't even count the number of times that I've read those books. Easily more than 10 times (for the entire series). And while I haven't studied Montgomery's writings, like my friend over at A Fair Substitute for Heaven, I have read most of her novels and a number of her short stories.

So how the hell have I never heard of The Blythes Are Quoted???????????????????????

I haven't read it yet, but I purchased a copy for my Kobo. I'll let you know my feelings about it after I finish.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Seriously? 1845 views?

Okay, so I know I just posted. But I went to my blog and saw that I have over 1800 views. What the what?!?!? I only know about 20 people. And I don't have enough written to justify 1800 views. Over 1,800 views.

Now I feel like I actually have to write something interesting.

Oh god, the pressure. It's killing me.

I'm totally drawing a blank.

I feel like I need to write something intelligent. Something incredibly witty. Something actually worth reading.

Maybe I should open up more, and share a bit of personal information with you, Dear Reader. For those of you reading this who haven't met me, here is a picture:

I'm the one in front. This was taken last May during the Rapture. Don't you hate it when you're out jogging in your favourite blue dress, and giant Jesus sneaks up behind you? I'm not sure who took the picture, but it sure turned out great.

Another little bit of personal information, which I may or may not have mentioned, is that occasionally I try to  pass myself off as a writer. Okay, I know I mentioned that before. But what is new information is that a kid I used to babysit is an actual writer. As in, had a real book on the McLeans Bestseller list. Words cannot describe how jealous I am. In fact, I won't even write his name. He's dead to me.

Fine. His name is Matt Lennox. Here's a link to his book: The Carpenter.

Go buy his book. And then read it. And then go buy my book. And read it too. Here's a link: my book.

First post of 2012

So, it's been a while. Something like 5 months. Yeah, I realize I suck. But now I'm back. And you're going to regret saying "why haven't you updated your blog? I liked it" (okay, I heard that from one person. And maybe she didn't say "like" so much as "tolerated". But I digress.)

Here's what's happened in the past 5 months:
- it stopped being winter
- it started being summer
(no, seriously; I'm pretty sure Canada has decided to skip spring altogether. I think we're becoming a country with 2 seasons, winter and summer)
- Girlfriend got into med school (which is huge, and I'm sorry I didn't write a post dedicated entirely to that fact)
- we got a new niece. She will be called Baby 2 (so as not to be confused with niece #1, who will be Baby 1)

Okay, now you're up-to-date on my life.

And now I have nothing to say. I contemplated writing about:
- how I've been playing Settlers of Catan on my iPad all day. And getting angry when the computer people gang up on me.
- how Community is awesome and underrated.
- how my cat is sitting and staring at me and being creepy.
- how I sprayed paint/sealant on my foyer ceiling today, and how I think the fumes gave me brain damage.

But none of those things are interesting. So instead, I'll just leave you at that. Maybe I'll think of something to write about tomorrow.

Or maybe not. Maybe it will be another 5 months.

I would now like to draw your attention to literally one of the greatest images of all time. And I mean that. Of all time.